Posted by: Taylor Hoff | December 18, 2009

Iran = The Black Knight

So after reading a flurry of headlines today, I’ve started thinking about Iran and it’s actions on the world stage as of late. It somewhat reminds me of a Monty Python sketch.

King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must cross this bridge.
Black Knight: Then you shall die.
King Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
Black Knight: I move for no man.
King Arthur: So be it!
[they fight until Arthur cuts off Black Knight’s left arm]
King Arthur: Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!
Black Knight: ‘Tis but a scratch!
King Arthur: A scratch? Your arm’s off!
Black Knight: No, it isn’t!
King Arthur: Well, what’s that then?
King Arthur: I’ve had worse.
King Arthur: You liar!
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!
[they fight again. Arthur cuts off the Knight’s right arm]
King Arthur: Victory is mine!
[kneels to pray]
King Arthur: We thank thee, Lord, that in thy mercy –
[cut off by the Knight kicking him]
Black Knight: Come on, then.
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: Have at you!
King Arthur: You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine!
Black Knight: Oh, had enough, eh?
King Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard. You’ve got no arms left!

Indeed, Iran is running out of limbs at a rapid rate. Besides the ongoing “right to enrich” drama, they’ve added three new debacles in the last week:

1. Iran “Aquires” an Iraqi Oil Well
See (Gulf War I)

2. Iran Hacks, Defaces Twitter
Now on this I have a bit more to say. The raw potential of information warfare has yet to be realized, mostly because we’ve been fighting an enemy who doesn’t use as complex of an infrastructure. Yet there is still much potential to be squeezed out of the militarization of the internet. Jihadist websites serve as centers for recruitment and spreading their venomous ideology, we should be targeting those like there’s no tomorrow. And it isn’t about just destroying or defacing a website, any script kiddie can do that. It’s about subtly poisoning their information, spreading falsities, impersonating people of importance, and setting traps. There are more ways to work a “Cyber War” than brute force Denial Of Service attacks and destroying data. Information is more valuable than that, and the internet is a source, a conduit for information. Gray areas abound, no doubt. But this attack on Twitter, an American web startup, marketed as a commuications tool… I could easily justify that as an attack on an American communications network. Sure, it doesn’t have the same bang as the Captain Midnight incident, nor does it have the level of importance that a Television or Radio communications network would have, but it’s still a resource. Anti-government Iranian protesters used it successfully to communicate with the media in an “on-the-ground” format until the Iranian Government blocked twitter, and that gives it credibility. Granted, the medium is host to mostly inane and insipid updates on people’s daily lives (LOL I ate a hotdog it was so good), but who’s to say that TV isn’t the same way? Let’s fight back! Let’s replace Iranian government websites with links to SNL’s “Iran So Far”. That’ll show them where the “gays in Iran” are.

3. Iran Releases Sajjil-2, Soild Fuel ICBM
Okay, first off, no. Just no. This equates to escalation of the Nth degree. It’s almost like Iran wants to be proverbially kicked in the pants by the US military. Or buried alive, literally. Quite honestly its inconceivable that Israel or the US would let it get this far. A solid fuel rocket is dangerous, specifically because it can be launched without warning and has less failure points, which is why we use solid fuel in our Minutemen ICBMs. So why would we let Iran not only continue enrichment but also field ICBMs that we won’t get a 15-minute warning on? The only explanation I can think of is that the government is expecting that the Iranian people will rise up against their own administration. Other than that, a worst case scenario situation is likely at the rate they are going. Even an High Altitude Detonation (Read: EMP) would be catastrophic for the US (or any country), let this clip from Modern Warfare 2 do the explaining.
<– Sidenote: I love this part in the game, gave me goosebumps. The helicopters falling out of the sky is awesome. Except for the astronaut part, that’s so similar to a recurring nightmare of mine that I had to pause and take a break. Yeesh. –>

So yeah, in this humble college student’s opinion, the Ayatollah Khameni and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad could use a little love from the USS “Economic Sanctions”. Maybe in the near future we can send the USS “Oh… Shit.” (Dad: BD Ref for ya -TDH) to join them.

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